I want to improve our sex life. How do I tell him?

Q. I’m 40 and have been with my partner for 10 years. We have always had good, but quite straightforward sex. Recently, though, I’ve started feeling dissatisfied. After talking more openly to friends, I’ve realised how much more exciting things could be, but I don’t know how to start the conversation with him. How can I ask for our sex life to change in a way that feels positive?
A. Using words is your best bet, and since you have known him for ten years, I would imagine that you already know how to land a request in a way that will not upset him. Part of making any long-term relationship work is learning how not to press each other’s buttons. Mostly, that means treating each other with respect. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to switch your sex life up a few gears, how you frame this request matters, because if your partner interprets it as a criticism of the sex you have been having with each other for the past decade, he is likely to feel rejected. And rejection is not sexy.
• He’s happy for me to take a lover
Although your friends have made you question the adequacy of your sex life, the truth is that most people are having pretty straightforward sex. One American study showed that across a lifetime, people get up to all sorts, but when the researchers explored recent sexual behaviour, the picture was very different. Only about 1–2 per cent of respondents had engaged in any of the more “exploratory behaviours” in the previous month, and 5-7 per cent had done so in the previous year. Couples may be more sexually experimental in the early part of their relationship, when they are trying to impress, seduce, or learn about one another in terms of their emotional and physical responses. On the other hand, couples who feel secure in their connection may feel more confident exploring new sexual behaviours as their relationship matures.
You seem to want to engage in more diverse sexual behaviours as a way of addressing sexual boredom or dissatisfaction. That’s fine, but finding a way to bring up the topic in a natural way is important. One of the easiest ways to start this conversation is to watch a sexual film together. Last Tango in Paris, Eyes Wide Shut or even Fifty Shades of Grey will spark a conversation about pushing sexual boundaries.
Tell him that you are curious about trying different things and you may find that you are being too cautious about upsetting him when, in fact, he would appreciate your frankness — and even some clear guidance — about exactly what you’d like. Excitement and pleasure are probably things that he really wants to provide for you; however, he is not a mindreader. Start by giving him positive feedback for the things you really like about your lovemaking. If he does something even slightly new or experimental, make sure you praise him for it. Try making suggestions for new things you’d like to try in a playful and seductive manner; if you make a game of it, he may relax and you will both have more fun.
One game you could introduce would be for each of you to write six things you would like to try on a piece of paper, then, once you have reached agreement that each item is acceptable to both of you, roll two dice to indicate your starting moves. Try to put a ban on orgasm until you’re at least halfway through the list (make sure the items are randomly numbered), and continue to roll the dice as long as your energy lasts.Send your questions to [email protected]